I will be the first to admit I’m not perfect. Even in the midst of claiming victory and rejoicing in all the things God has done through our infertility and loss, I still have tough days. Days when I’m angry and sad. Days when it just doesn’t make sense to me. Days when I just have a pity party for one. Today is that day. A day when God’s grace HAS to be sufficient. A day where I have to remind myself I am perfectly how God created me to be. A day where I have to remember His plans and timing are perfect. A day where I must refocus my gaze Heavenward instead of a cold, empty womb.
We are in the heart of spring time and it seems like everyone and everything is pregnant. There are pregnant women everywhere, new birdies chirping away in nests, and I’m sure there is a little borough somewhere overflowing with adorable baby bunnies. But not in this house. Here we are playing the waiting game. It’s like the starring game – the one who blinks first looses – although with the waiting game sometimes it never seems like there is a winner. Which I know is a lie because the bible is full of scriptures praising those who persevere through trials. I know one day when God’s perfect plan is revealed I will receive my prize!
Oh and you want to know something else? You want to know what really throws salt into the wound? When you hear these beautiful pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy. I want to scream “Hello I would trade places with you 100 times over!” How can there be anything worth complaining about while pregnant? In these moments I feel so close to dear Hannah ( at least my husband doesn’t have another wife who flaunts her fertility in my face). And then of course you have these women who don’t even want to be pregnant or are in a place where a pregnancy is the last thing they need. I find myself thinking “everyone else can get pregnant so why can’t I?”
I know, I know, who am I to question God’s plan. I don’t know how He intends to use their pregnancies for their good. Ad I have faith that He will keep His promises to me. SO I silently say a prayer and ask for forgiveness and count my blessings that I have a God who pours out more grace than I could ever deserve. I hear a soft voice in my head whispering, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Cor. 4:17). I remember the story of Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman. He says to her, “If you knew the gift of God and knew who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water” (John 4:10). Well I know who I am asking. I know who He is and what He offers. And it’s days like today where I want to plant myself at His feet, throw back my head, open my mouth up wide and guzzle that living water right up! I need for Him to quench my thirst and remind me that He is al I need. And how comforting is it to know that in my moments of weakness His power is made great. In my moments of weakness I can feel Him wrapping His arm around me and lifting me back up. God knows it’s impossible for me to be strong every minute of every day. I’m so blessed that He’s equipped me with the tools I need to survive those moments.
Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olives should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like feet of the deer, he enables me to go on the heights (Habakkuk 3:17-19). Though my womb may not be fruitful, I can rejoice because my faith is certainly bearing much fruit. And I must remember that is the most important thing of all.