Lately God is pressing upon me that we all have a story. Every story is unique and special but they all serve a purpose. The purpose is twofold. First and foremost our story is meant to glorify our Creator. That is why we were created in the first place. Second our story is meant to grow us spiritually. Life’s journey, it’s ups and downs, are intended for us to learn who we are in Christ. Do we reflect the image of our Savior? Are we a light upon a hill shining a light into the darkness? By sharing with you my testimony it is my prayer that I am shining a little bit of light into this dark world.
With my testimony I wish to glorify God with all my heart. I wish to give Him all the credit for what He has done in my life in the midst of the darkest times I have ever experienced. I want to do like David urges in Psalm 26:17, “Proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving and tell of all your wonders”. God is constantly doing a great work within me and what good is it if I hide it in the secret place of my heart?
This journey through infertility has not been easy. I have traveled through the darkest pits to the highest mountain over and over again. I have felt like Sarah where in Romans 4:19 Paul said, “Sarah’s womb was dead”. I have experienced that feeling of empty hollowness. I have found myself laid out on the floor weeping and praying as Hannah did in 1 Samuel, “O Lord Almighty, if you will look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget me, but give me a son (in my case any child was sufficient I wasn’t going to be picky)”. It goes on to say in 1 Samuel 1:13 Hannah was praying in her heart, her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. I could totally relate. It felt like the prayer for a child was emblazoned on my heart for so long.
After 6 plus years of trying to have a baby (naturally, IUIs, and finally IVF) I was blessed with a pregnancy. It seemed God had lined up every detail just in the exact order He wanted. Only He could have worked that all out. Learning about and experiencing IVF has only solidified in my mind the awesomeness of God and the miracle of life. All the little details that have to come together just right at just the perfect moment for life to be created. The fact that any of this happens naturally blows me away! God certainly makes it look so easy. I believe God allowed for me to become pregnant to prepare us for what happened next.
At 22 weeks I gave birth. Not just to angels but to a testimony. Of course at the time I didn’t see it that way. At the time I was pleading with God to save them, to protect my small children, to save them from harm. And despite the outcome, or maybe inspire of the outcome, I believe God answered my prayers. God saved them, I will never have to wonder if my children will stray from the Lord. And He did protect them. They are perfect and blameless in the presence of our Savior, secured in Heaven for an eternity. My children felt my love, they heard my voice, and then they went to be with Jesus, safe and protected forever! God always answers our prayers, sometimes they just don’t look the way we had planned. Proverbs 19:21 tells us, “many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”.
Loosing my children has taught me so many things. It’s taken me to the darkest pit I have ever known. It’s taken me to a place where I longed to die for that would allow me to finally be with my children. As I was battling with myself during this time God revealed to me two scriptures. Ecclesiastes 7:14 “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad consider: God has made them one as well as the other”. Also Lamentations 3:31-33, “For men are not cast off from God forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring grief or affection to the children of men”. These scriptures forced me to realize although God allowed such grief, He had a reason for it. He wanted me to learn something. There was nothing I could do to change what happened, all that I could do was change my response to it. I could turn to God. By turning back to God, to believing in my whole heart that He intended only good for me I began to see my faith grow. He made my faith stronger in my weakness. His presence became tangible and I began to hear His voice in a way I never had before. And all of this has given me a small glimpse into God’s sacrificial love for us.
The pain of loosing my children was paralyzing. My heart was ripped to pieces when the nurse told me, “All that’s left to do for them is to love them until they pass away”. They are words that will be etched on my heart forever. I thought of Mary the mother of Jesus. Standing at the foot of the cross watching her perfect and blameless son tortured and killed and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. All she could do was love Him. And to think “for God so loved the world He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). God willingly sacrificed His Son for a sinner like me. I can’t fathom that. There is not a single person on this earth I would sacrifice my children for. But God did that for me centuries before I was even created!
Through infertility and the loss of my children I have learned another valuable lesson. I have learned that, like Paul, I had a thorn in my flesh. For me my thorn was the longing and desire to be a mother. I placed that before all else. More often than not I placed that before my heartfelt worship for God. Having a baby was my idol I worshiped! Like Paul a time came where I recognized this a cried out to God to remove it from me. If it wasn’t His plan for me to have a baby then Father God take away the desire. But one day in a very clear voice while pumping gas God said, “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in your weakness” (2 Cor. 12;9). I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what He could possibly be saying. Right, I know your power is perfect but what on earth do you mean when you say my grace is sufficient? Over the next 8 months after loosing my son and daughter, and after truly plugging back in to prayer and bible study I began to notice something happening. My heartfelt prayer longing for a baby became a heartfelt prayer to know Him more. Lord give me a baby became Lord give me all of you! It was then that I realized His grace IS sufficient.
Though I still pray for a baby. I still long to be a mother here on here, I know God has already prepared a way for me to be a mother for eternity. One day I will push my son and daughter on a swing set high and lifted up! One day I will hold my children in my arms as we worship and give honor to our King. But until that time I will worship and give honor to my King from here on earth. Until that day I pray that Jesus draws my son and daughter onto His lap and tells them about me and how much I love them with all my heart! Until that day I will proclaim to all the world the wonderful works my Heavenly Father is doing in my life.
“How great are your works, LORD, how profound your thoughts” Psalm 92:5. “I will sing of the LORD’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations” Psalm 89:1.