My birthday was yesterday, and just like every other birthday or holiday my husband spent the last week asking what I wanted. Immediately off the top of my head I thought, “I want to be moved into our new house already” (we have been moving cross country for about a month and a half now). Of course there is no way for him to speed up time or move our position on the housing list so that was out of the question. And since we are living in a small hotel room there isn’t much necessity for any household item, so I was stumped. What was one thing that I wanted for my birthday? “I want a baby” whispered my heart!
Although my mind was contemplating tangible items I might fancy, my heart knew the one true thing that I desire more than anything!
We live in an age of instant gratification. We want something we rush out to the store and buy it. I have one touch shopping on my iPhone and iPad. With one click I can have that item purchased and preparing for shipment within seconds. If money isn’t an object for you, you can have just about anything you desire. However the last time I checked there wasn’t a little baby emporium that keeps adorable cherub-like babies on the shelf. I’m sure if there was one I would have stocked up on babies a long, long time ago!
So needless to say there wasn’t a baby for my birthday waiting for me. The longing, the ache, and the desire is still there. At times its unbearable. At times the thoughts and feelings of guilt and shame creep in and overwhelm my whole being. I know however that those thoughts do not come from above. They come from an enemy whose soul mission is to cause me to stumble and turn my focus away from my Heavenly Father. So I fight harder. I cling to God’s word and His promises for me. And I pray…A LOT!
Just the other night actually, I was wide awake hours before my alarm went off for church, and while contemplating for the hundredth time “always a godmother, never a mommy” I began to silently cry out to God. “Father God I pray for a miracle. I pray for a son to carry on my husband’s name. Father please don’t forget me or my desire.” I call these my Hannah moments! Anyways I eventually fell back to sleep and thought the moment was over. That was until I was sitting in church and the chaplain boldly announces the message title was “Where Is My Miracle?” It was one of those moments that make you sit up straighter in your seat and look around to see if anyone else can spot the target the preacher just placed on your forehead!
I won’t share the whole sermon with you, I know there is no way I can do it justice anyways. I will share with you the practical questions I was left with:
- Am I willing to be obedient (even when it seems crazy)?
- Am I willing to give God all the credit?
- Am I willing to endure hardship?
Now I know thats not to say you merely answer yes to all these questions and sit back waiting for miracles to rain down from heaven. What I think the chaplain was saying was when we are obedient, when we are willing to completely remove ourselves from the equation, we allow God to work out things in far greater ways than we can imagine. We just need to allow God to come out of the box we have tucked Him into recognize that His ways and His miracles will never look like how we expect them to.
Its difficult…. shoot if there is a word that is even stronger than difficult you can insert that here…. waiting on God. I can’t seem to understand the why or the when. And I will admit it’s a daily struggle. But I know there is healing in the name of Jesus. I know that if He is allowing me to endure the hardships its because He will be glorified at the end. I also know that I need to seize hold of God’s grace especially in the moments when he pain and ache of my empty arms seem the worse. One day my Heavenly Father will be the only one to take credit for the miracle He is preparing to do. One day I will look back and confidently say, “All this for your glory Lord!”
Most importantly I will remember and cherish the fact that I have already received the most precious gift of all. I have received the gift of eternal life. I have inherited the kingdom of heaven and all that my Father chooses for me. My precious savior and redeemer carried my shame and sins and endured the cross (the ultimate of hardships) so that I may freely receive His precious gift to me. Everything else is just an extra blessing He has chosen to pour out to me!