I love roller coasters. I must confess I’m finding I loved them more when I was younger, but I still love a ride on a good roller coaster now and then. The old wooden ones are the best. The sound of the cart clunking along on the way to the top. The wooden beams joined together that shows evidence of years of riders. The steady, slow climb to the top, that brief moment of anticipation and expectation before your cart plummets down the other side. In those first short moments your heart pounds and races a million beats a minute and then suddenly…. stops! Then the ride accelerates through highs and lows, corkscrews, and twists all before coming to a peaceful stop at the end. A roller coaster ride lasts mere minutes if you are lucky. All those sensations happening at once and then they are over leaving you breathless on an adrenaline high.
There is one roller coaster however that I don’t like. I loathe it actually. That roller coaster has an awful name. Can you guess what it might be called? It’s called the emotional roller coaster. And I’m sure if you have journeyed down the road of infertility for very long you are well acquainted with this particular roller coaster. You start your family building journey expectant and excited. Slowly chugging along sure that anyday now a precious baby will begin growing inside. But after sometime you begin to realize its not going to be that easy for you (you have now reached the top of the ride please keep your arms and feet inside the ride at all times and please fasten your seat belt…. this WILL be the roughest ride you have ever been on). From here you plummet at breakneck speeds to the ground. Joy and excited expectations have turned into grief and despair, which will mellow out as you prepare for what comes next in your journey. And again joy and contentment spin haphazardly into anger, bitterness, jealousy, and resentment. The ride rushes on in spontaneous patterns for however long you remain in your seat. Each phase of the ride varies in length and sometimes you think you’ve been on the ride for too long so it slowly rolls to a stop, but only briefly because you may be like me and just too darn stubborn to get off this evil ride. So around and around you go on the crazy emotional roller coaster. You laugh and enjoy it, you cry and scream for dear life to get off. Your emotions are all over the place you often wonder why no one has locked you up in a padded room somewhere!
I often wonder if my jumbled emotions reflect a wavering faith. I feel at times that if I’m not riding this crazy ride with an appearance of joy and constant contentment that some how a chink in my faith armor has been revealed. As a believer I KNOW that God will always provide for all of my needs. I KNOW that His grace is always sufficient in all circumstances. I also KNOW that He has a great plan and purpose for my life. I KNOW this so why do I hurt? Why am I so angry, bitter, and jealous at times? Why do I feel such sorrow at our loss that at times that it takes my breath away? Why do I feel as if sometimes God has forgotten all about me? I suppose the short answer is I’m human living in a fallen world. However Jesus tells us in John 16:33 “In this world you will have trouble…” It should come as no mystery to me then.
When reeling like this I look to Jesus. The whole “what would Jesus do” saying comes to mind. Jesus was sent to earth fully God and fully man. He experienced life, it’s joys, pain, anger, and sorrow during His time here on earth. But while Jesus experienced all these things He never wavered, never lost sight of who He was and to whom He belonged. For Jesus it wasn’t the fact that He felt these emotions it was how He expressed them that brings me encouragement and guidance. Jesus rejoiced with those around Him. He wept openly and privately. He cried out to His Father in Heaven even asking “Father why have you forsaken me?” But the one thing Jesus never did was sinned. He never let His emotions control Him or His actions. And although Jesus is the Son of God and the complete image of perfection I can still use this as a guide to how I express my crazy emotions on this crazy ride.
I will never waver in my faith. I will never allow anger, bitterness, or jealousy harden my heart or cause me to turn away from me Father in heaven. I will pray and seek God’s guidance prayerfully as I seek His will and His plan for our future child. I will try and take off my running shoes and exchange them for laid back “slippas” and remind myself that I can not rush ahead and try to beat God to the punch. I will remind myself daily, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27!