“There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).
A lot has happened in our crazy life since I lasted posted a month ago. There has been the usual work, housework, bible study, and church stuff that happens year round. But there has also been some new developments in the “baby department”. After lots of prayer and some pretty intense discussions where hubby and I laid it all out there, we have decided to no longer pursue having biological children.
Many factors played into our decision but it was one that we agreed upon mutually. For us the ultimate goal is to be parents and we know there are other ways for us to achieve that. Before I go further please let me just say this is how we feel for ourselves. I don’t want to diminish or make anyone else feel any kind of way about their own decisions. Carrying a child and child birth was very risky for me and its not a risk either of us feel comfortable making again. But I applaud and pray for every couple who continue on this journey over and over again.
I’ve had some time to really come to terms with what this means for us and how I feel about it. I never dreamed I would be able to accept this for myself. But now that I have I am able to see how much God has blessed me. Psalm 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Even before I was “delighting in the Lord” the way I should have been, He still loved me and gave me the desires of my heart. I had always wanted to be pregnant, to feel a baby move and kick inside me. I dreamed of the day hubby and I could hear our baby’s heart beat on the ultrasound. I desired to experience childbirth and to hold my children in my arms while I told them about Jesus and how much He loved them. I sit here today in total awe and praise because my Heavenly Father has given me all those things. It didn’t end up looking like I had planned but He gave me the desires of my heart anyways.
Its taken me quite a bit of time to realize this however. I was too intent on clinging to a season that had already passed. I was focused on getting that season back, to focus on making His plan fit into the mold I had created, that I missed seeing my desires fulfilled.
Theres been a lot of growing and a lot of praying going on. And I’m so thankful that I’m allowing myself the time to heal and the time to let go. I think I stood in the way of us moving forward a while ago….. then again maybe this is exactly what God had in mind for us all along.
There has been a time for birth and a time for death. There was time for planting and time for uprooting. A time for weeping and a time for laughing. Theres been plenty of mourning but also lots of dancing. I’ve kept and I’v thrown away. I’m learning to be silent because I know all to well how to speak (more than I should sometimes). I’m learning that there is healing and growth when we allow a season to pass.
I’m so excited to share with you our new season we are finding ourselves in. Hubby and I have decided to become foster/adoptive parents. We are still early in the process but already many of the “expectancy” and “nesting” symptoms are showing themselves.
I may not be pregnant…
But we are EXPECTING!!