So God and I had a moment at church this morning. Well I think we may have had a moment, I’m just not totally sure if I understood it correctly.
Ok let me start at the beginning. I was standing there during praise and worship and my lips were moving and I was even bopping back and forth with the rhythm of the song when I noticed that for a decent amount of time my thoughts and my heart had been on all things baby and not actually praising my heavenly Father as I should have been. I was daydreaming about being in the delivery room giving birth to a beautiful baby. I was at home dressing a beautiful baby girl in a frilly pink dress and matching bow for church. I was with hubby taking our adorable son trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. All this was taking place while my lips were still singing His praise. MY LIPS, not my heart. I was suddenly overwhelmingly ashamed. My daily battle to remove my idol had so epically failed in the worst of places…. the House of God. As the worship songs came to a close I prayed for forgiveness and pushed baby thoughts from my mind, determined to fully soak in today’s message. I did a pretty good job. Jesus Christ in you, the hope of glory (Colossains 1:28). Jesus’ presence and power in our life. And of course because its football season and we live in the land of all things New Orleans Saints a football analogy… You have a choice every morning. As the quarterback you can either pass the ball to yourself (and surely get creamed) or pass the ball to the MVP Jesus who has already claimed victory. Of course, I thought the answer is easy. I pass the ball to Jesus duh!! And then my moment with God began…
Suddenly my worst fear creeps into my thoughts, “what if I ask you to give up having that baby you have longed for?” I could seriously feel myself panic. In my head I began to argue, “but what about your promises to me I’m clinging to them as if they are the last lifeboat on the Titanic?” In my head (and possibly my heart although I’m afraid to admit that) I hear, “I promised I would work out all things for good. I promised that all things would be used to bring me glory. I promised I would never leave you or forsake you. But I have never officially promised you a baby.” By this point I’m sobbing like a crazy person in the third row pew from the front. And then the choir begins to sing “In Christ Alone” and I can’t stop the tears at all.
In Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this cornerstone, this solid ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all,
here in the love of Christ I stand……
So that is why I say God and I had a moment in the church pew this morning. My GREATEST fear is that God may ask me one day to surrender motherhood to Him. I don’t know for certain what my answer will be. My head says to surrender all but my heart says to surrender all but that. And I know thats wrong. I know that’s not how its supposed to be. Just thinking about it makes my heart feel as if its being torn apart. I would rather die than relinquish that. For surely the pain of relinquishing motherhood would kill me anyways.
Despite the fact that I know “If God is for me (and surely He is) who can stand against me?” I know that God has created me for greater things, the thought that He just MIGHT one day ask me to surrender that to His is unbearable. What will I do if that day ever comes? Maybe my moment with God in that church pew today was only meant to turn me to some serious prayer, to work all this out with my heavenly Father. Or maybe this moment happened to prepare my heart. I just don’t know!